The Lady in the Water

"The Lady in the Water" is more than M. Night Shyamalan's worst movie. It is the worst movie of the year, and probably one of the worst movies of the past twenty-five years. Moreover, it is the movie that I have been waiting for, a movie that I could mercilessly lampoon and berate as stupid and indulgent. "The Lady in the Water" makes M. Night's previous debacle, "The Village," look like a masterpiece. There is not one saving grace or aspect in the entire movie. If you choose to see it, which you may if you love horrible movies, you will feel like you are watching a plane crash into a building or a typhoon hitting a poor Thai village. It is embarrassing for Shyamalan, who has previously shown great potential as a director, and even more embarrassing for the audience. Worst of all, Shyamalan, as evidenced from the plot of the movie, believes that he is a genius with a creative muse.

After watching "The Lady in the Water," one thing is abundantly clear: M. Night CANNOT WRITE SCRIPTS OR STORIES. He has the wit of a two year old and the screenwriting ability of a fetus---a fetus that is the product of a mother who drinks heavily and smokes marijuana. If M. Indian Shyamalan is going to salvage whats left of his career, he only must direct other people's stories and characters. To be sure, M. Night can direct well and create mood. But his talents are wasted on his own retarded stories. Besides not writing his own screenplays, I have two other pieces of advice for Shyamalan: First, you are not and will never be Alfred Hitchcock. Stop with the suprises and hackneyed suspense building. Second, you are a really bad filmmaker and should stop the indulgent practice of placing "M. Night Shyamalan's" before your movie titles. Only good directors can do that (Hitchcock, Fellini, Kubrik, etc). In your case, the only reason that you should put your name before the movie title is to alert people not see it (i.e.: M. Night Shyamalan's Next Shitfest Film."

The movie begins with one of Shyamalan's nonsensical fairytale openings which include a bunch of illogical and overly complex rules (like the villagers cannot display red colors because the creatures will get mad). We are told of the history between humanity and "the water people." Apparently, back in the good old days, humans and the water people were good buddies. In particular, the water people would give humans good advice which would help them live good moral lives. Then one day, humans stopped listening. They commenced wars, fenced off property, and created free market capitalism, which of course, has not helped anyone (well, except the poor through the creation of the welfare state----and the Arts by government subsidized projects---and science (most notably the space program through centralized planning---and human rights through cultural initiatives and the defeat of fascism and Communism). Without the water people, humanity did awful things, and the water people hid deeper in some sort of water world---not necessarily the ocean, but puddles, pools, and saliva. The main point is that even though humanity evolved from sea creatures to land animals in pursuit of more protein and sunlight, the "water people" are actually more evolved and in tune with the universe.

Every now and then, one of the water people known as a Narf (or Sea Nymph) appears in the world to help one person find the proverbial light. Even better, every millennia or so, a Madame Narf, who is like the Queen Narf, comes to earth and institutes profound change. The "Lady in the Water" is about a Queen Narf who comes to a Phiadelphia apartment complex pool in order to inspire one of its guests (we will get to who later). Alas, the narf cannot just pop out of a puddle and pontificate. She is constantly hunted by Scrunts, which are vicious wolves made of vines. However, the scrunt does not go unchecked; he is kept in line by three mohawked monkeys with the same name (it was so ridiculous, that I forgot the name). The scrunt cannot attack a narf when she has inspired the human and is awaiting a ride back to the water world from a giant eagle in the sky.

Those are the rules. Notice that I did not have to add much commentary to make them seem laughably stupid. Even though Shyamalan spends a great deal of the film elucidating these rules, the audience finds out an important fact: that a scrunt has decided to break all the rules and attack a poor narf illegally. Thus, the rules are totally useless and have little if any impact on the story.

That said, a queen Narf is sent into the pool of the aptly named "The Cove" apartment complex. The super, played by the talented Paul Giamatti, finds out about her, takes her in, and tries to decipher the puzzle. Oh yes, did I mention that Giamatti's character is named Cleveland Heep? Have you ever heard of a more contrived name? Does Cleveland Heep live on 123 Fake Street? If he does, I wouldn't be surprised given Shyamalan's ear for names. But wait there's more: The Queen Narf's name is Story! Let me repeat. The name of the central character of an alleged bed time story is.......Story. Why not just call her "Central Character" or "protagonist" or "Jane Doe" or "Edith Everywoman?" By the way, if you are still on the fence about this movie, if you do not quite believe that this movie will be horrible, stay tuned!

Despite Paul Giamatti's annoying name, there is something even worse about his character. It seems that Cleveland Heep (cringes) has a stuttering problem. While this would normally make you feel sympathy for a character, Mr. Heep's stuttering is so off the wall that it sounds like he is choking to death every few minutes. I cannot describe the feeling of sitting in a movie theater and witnessing 100 or so people laughing every time a main character stuttered. One really has to question why Paul Giamatti agreed to act in this film. He has been a trendy pick as of late, especially after his commendable roles in "Sideways" and "American Splendor." I guess the answer is simple. People will do anything if the price is right.

Cleveland Heep (cringes) tries to help the new found Narf but is foiled by the attacks of a scrunt. He later goes around to all of the tenants for advice. One of the recurring themes of Shyamalan's movies is acceptance of the bizarre. "The Cove" is presented as an allegorical collection of different races and cultures living and working together for common goals. However, much to my enjoyment, Shyamalan ends up asserting the broad stereotypes that mark a shallow, unsophisticated, and bigoted society. There is the superstitious Mexican family who prays alot and becomes scared at the drop of the hat. There are stoners who are unproductive. There are Japanese people who can barely speak English. There is a Jewish family who obsesses about their digestive movements. There is the dumb black kid that doesn't know anything valuable (talk about racial stereotypes). There is a jock who only works out his one arm for some reason---presumably to improve his already chronic masturbating schedule. Interestingly enough, the movie even has a resident movie critic character who comments on how stupid and contrived it is (though this is done by the critic poking fun at movies that he is currently reviewing which bear strong resemblance to Shyamalan's work).

After going into the swimming pool, finding the Narf's house, retrieving some medicine for her wounds, and breathing under water for 15 minutes or so, Heep tries to find the person whom she must inspire. Let's stop for a moment. What is the corniest thing you can think of right now? Who can the Narf inspire? Why, M. Night Shyamalan, of course! I am not kidding. M. Night Shyamalan has chosen to transcend his normal Hitchcockean cameos and become a supporting actor in his own movie. Better yet, the Narf is meant to inspire Shyamalan's character who is writing "about what's wrong with the world and stuff." Hidden behind the movie's plot is the indulgent arrogant thought of Shyamalan that he is a brilliant storyteller who is inspired by almost divine muses. The funny aspect of this subconscious assertion is that Shyamalan is not only bad; he is really awful. I don't know who these muses are that visit him, but M. Night should really ignore them. In any case, Shyamalan is inspired by the Narf to write an important political book that will change the future. But the problem still remains: how do we safely get the Narf back to the water world?

After some searching, Heep finds the Japanese family that barely speaks English. For some reason, even though sea nymphs and wolves represent classical symbolism found in Greek Mythology, an ASIAN woman knows the bed time story and explains it to Cleveland. Besides telling him what the audience already knows from the beginning, the Japanese woman adds to the legend: if the Narf cannot get back safely, there are predestined humans who can help her: the healer, the protector, and the guild. MORE RULES? Haven't we had enough? These rules prove that Shyamalan is not s storyteller, but a conveyor of makeshift mastabatory horseshit. There is no genuine attempt to understand all of the characters or their predicament. There is no attempt to solidify any story. M. Night Shyamalan's movies are simply an attempt for him to scare the audiences with wolves around the corner and various other cheap surprises.

I won't even tell you the ending because you already know it. Needless to say, the people of "the Cove" engage in more confusing and nonsensical actions until the movie culminates. When you do see the end, you will jump out of your seat like a psychopath and demand your money back. It is that bad.

Shyamalan has reported that "The Lady in the Water" was based on a bedtime story that he created for his daughters. Furthermore, as evidenced through the assertions of several of the characters, the movie is also M. Night's manifesto on storytelling: that we must suspend our thinking and just believe in the unbelievable. We all must approach his movies like an awed child. The above statements are ironic because "The Lady in the Water" is not even entertaining by children's standards. It is the work of a lunatic who is so full of himself that he will not revise or even question the quality of what he is doing. If M. Night thinks of it, it must be good! Sadly, judging by his last several movies, the adage should be the opposite: If M. Night thought of it, it is going to be horrendous. I would really love to know what Shyamalan's daughters thought of the bed time story. Did it put them to sleep or did it incite blind anger? In the end, a bed time story is the perfect thing to call this movie. It was made up as M. Night went along and although it is meant to entertain for a short while, it inevitably ends up putting the audience to sleep with dreams of a better day on the horizon. I'm sorry M. Night. You put me to sleep and I cannot dream that a better movie is on the horizon.

1.0 (Avoid this movie like the plague)